But of course. I'm Charo!
How did you get to be so amazing, Charo?
I wanna be the best,
and now I am.
Tell me, what is it that you want, Chloe?
I wanna destroy my roommate.
♪♪♪
♪ but I can tell you ♪
(whispers) ♪ She's a... ♪ (buzzer)
♪ Ba-Da-Da-Da-Da-Ba, ba-Da-Ba ♪
(June) There are over 4,000 places to dine
in New York.
They say that if you were
to eat at a different restaurant every day,
you could go years without eating at the same--
Oh, my god! Would you shut up?!
you are constantly spewing out facts about New York
that nobody cares about!
(indistinct conversations)
one.
So, mom and dad, um,
how long you in town for?
Oh, just for tonight.
We had a few matters we wanted to discuss with you.
Private matters.
Surprised you invited friends. More wine?
No wine for me. I'm sticking with cuchi-cuchis.
That drink's named after Charo. Charo is Chloe's Cher.
No, Charo is Chloe's Charo.
Cher doesn't even factor in.
(ice cubes rattle)
These drinks are as strong as an orangutan.
(panting) guys, you're being robbed.
I saw a man in your apartment through the window.
Oh, my God. W-W-Why didn't you call the cops?
I knew that would be your first question.
As I was running here,
I could hear you asking me that question in my mind,
but I was already moving.
W-Well, why didn't you call us?!
I knew that would be your second question. I...
I should probably go with them.
I, uh, I played a police officer in my last movie.
Sweetie?
I--a Bobby, actually.
Turn of the century England. Didn't even have a gun.
I just carried a candlestick and some keys.
Wow. Look at those potatoes.
No cops. Never cops.
Just a tranq gun.
(door bangs open)
(creaks)
Blow his brains out! Shoot him!
Hello, Chloe.
Take the shot!
Tommy! Damn it, you scared me.
Relax. It's just Tommy, my private investigator.
What? You have a private investigator?
I found her, Chloe. I found Trish.
What? Who is Trish?
The original bitch in apartment 23. (crunches)
(bag crinkles) I saw you also found our nut drawer.
Tommy Doyle.
Chloe hired me to find a woman named Trish Osborne.
Hey, chatterbox! (hits arm)
It's supposed to be a private investigator.
When Chloe was 18, she came to New York
and moved into apartment 23 with Trish.
(door creaks)
Hi! I'm Chloe.
Save it. No names.
It'll make it easier when you leave New York
and run back to your parents house crying
because the city was too hard.
But hey, at least the three weeks you last here
will give you enough cocktail party material
for the next ten years of your husband's dentist functions.
I'm not running anywhere.
I'm only afraid of one thing in this world,
and since you aren't Steven Seagal's ponytail,
it isn't you.
Okay.
(Tommy) Chloe and Trish hit it off.
(laughs)
How did you know when you asked
if somebody had a tattoo of a baby's face
that they would say "Yes"?
'cause that lady was pushing all those beers
in an empty stroller.
She taught you your psychic scam?
That's, like, your favorite scam.
Oh, Trish taught Chloe a lot,
and eventually, Chloe felt safe enough to share her dream.
You like a good story, don't you, Tom?
(turns on tv)
(Nelly's "Hot in herre" Playing)
Welcome back to "The Crank."
Let's Crank this hella up!
(Nelly) ♪ and a little bit a... ♪ ♪ uh, uh ♪
see that? That's what I wanna do.
You wanna be a dancer on "The Crank"?
I remember "The Crank." I wasn't allowed to watch it
'cause my mom thought that I would get pregnant.
No, I don't want to be a dancer.
I wanna be the foot ho.
The what?
The foot ho is the girl that sits at the host's feet,
looks fabulous, gets all the camera time,
and throws a ton of attitude.
I'm gonna unseat that foot ho.
Quiet! do you know what time it is?!
you better shut up, Doris!
You better shut your face and shut the window, Doris!
Shut the window, Doris!
Shut it, bitch!
♪♪♪
All I had to do was get an audition
to be one of the crowd dancers,
and once that happened, I knew exactly what I had to do
to get to the top.
I'd have to start at level one,
which is where all the garden basement trash is,
but I wouldn't be there for long.
I'd flirt with the cameraman to get to level two.
Oh, my uncle Tony was a cameraman
on "Wake up Indianapolis."
(crunches) (exhales deeply)
(clenched teeth) to get off level two...
(normal voice) I planned to invent a dance.
Nothing too flamboyant,
But just enough to get the spotlight on me,
which would've gotten me to level three,
and that's when you have a shot at becoming the NEW foot ho.
It's al about the attitude.
What happened? It sounds like you had this all mapped out.
She never got the audition.
Or at least she never knew about it.
Trish?
When "The Crank" called,
Trish never gave Chloe the voicemail message.
Instead, she took Chloe's audition, got on the show,
and worked her way all the way up to foot ho.
By the time Chloe found out, Trish had moved out
and left her owing three months rent.
And then she vanished when "The Crank" got canceled.
My foot ho dream was replaced by a new dream--
Destroying Trish.
I can't believe it.
How come you never told me this?
Because it's private. We just met.
But we've been roommates for over a year.
Whoa. It seems like so much longer than that.
Not getting Trish back for what she did to me
is my life's only regret.
And now I'll get my revenge.
I'm gonna put my ipod on blast
and jam the earbuds into her ears
and blast out her eardrums.
And then I'm gonna yell, "I found you, bitch!"
That's the revenge that you've been plotting for ten years?
No. At first, I planned on strangling her
with her juicy sweatpants.
But if she's still wearing those, I've already won.
Where is she?
New jersey.
She let her guard down and joined a gym.
I knew she'd get fat.
And that's the reason
I don't drive in the center Lane anymore.
Gary, we can't just keep putting it off.
Let's just tell him what we need to tell him.
What do you need to tell me?
Well... (sighs)
Honey...
Gary isn't your real father.
What?
We agreed to wait to tell you the news until you were 35.
It seemed like the right age.
You're out of your 20s
but still young enough to bounce back from the lie you've lived.
I-I don't understand.
W--
if you--if you're not my real dad, then who is?
(chuckles) There's the question.
(laughs) We're not sure exactly.
Now we know it was the summer of '77... yep.
And your mother was doing summer stock theater in Maine.
"Seven brides for seven brothers."
And she had a sexual encounter with one of the brothers.
My real father. Yep.
The only problem is, I just-- I can't remember which brother.
But it was the '70s. It's all a blur.
I did a lot of plays.
And a lot of drugs and a lot of dudes.
(laughs)
Gary, please.
(whispering) anyway. (clears throat)
I, uh...
Yeah.
(normal voice) Your father
is one of these seven men.
I'm sure this is quite a shock...
(baby talk) but you are such a good baby,
and we love you so much.
(normal voice) Oh, hi! Hi. Excuse me.
Yes, I asked you if you could do something about the temperature,
and you said "Yes," and I am still freezing.
I thought we were close,
but I'm realizing I don't know anything real about you.
What do you mean real?
Well, like this dream of yours.
How did you decide you wanted to be a foot ho?
(exhales deeply)
How did it feel when Trish betrayed you?
If you could be any flavor of ice cream,
what flavor would you be?
I'm regretting letting you take off work, rent a car,
and drive me to new Jersey, June.
I just wanna find out more about you
without having to hear from your stupid p.I.
First of all, Tommy is not stupid.
He went to san Diego state.
I mean, you haven't even given me the voicemail password
to our home phone.
Wow. The workout starts at the door, huh?
Hello, and welcome to bodies bodies bodies bodies!
I'm Heather. What can I do to make you a better you?
First of all, you can stop yelling!
Second, you can help me find one of your members--
A real skeezed-Out jerk named Trish Osborne.
Are you Chloe?
Yeah.
When Trish signed up for a membership,
she said a woman named Chloe would come looking for her.
Said you'd call her a "skeezed-out jerk," too.
Where is she? Is she in the locker room?
I'm gonna trap her in the sauna and blast out her eardrums.
Trish is dead.
(speed metal song playing)
Aah! Aah! Ugh!
I wanted to hear what song you were gonna play.
You never tell me anything!
(door slams)
Trish did pass, yes.
She knew she was sick when she came in and refused the tour.
She was only joining to get on grid
because she knew you were looking for her.
How am I supposed to get revenge on a dead lady?
(gasps) is that an opium pipe? I saw one on the news once.
It's the "Crank" Crank.
Only the host and the foot ho had one.
It was the key to get into the top level of the show.
Trish left this here to rub it in my face
that she got up there and I never did!
How did she look when she came in?
The cancer made her thin.
Damn it!
But now there's a chance that my dad had some actual talent.
(stops slurping) is Gary great?
I wouldn't know since I've never met him.
Or your mother.
Both great. Oh. Good.
Eli's met them.
(sighs) I don't know why you refuse to introduce us.
I invited you to dinner with my family.
(traditional chinese music playing)
is he even coming?
I'm gonna order. Your father is starving.
Don't you dare, Patrice!
(sighs and chuckles)
He will be here any minute. (chuckles)
(mouths word) I'm gonna send him a text.
(chuckles) (clicking)
(cell phone alert chimes)
(bloop)
All right.
Mom says my dad is one of these seven guys.
Gay and gay.
(Click)
My dad is one of these five talents.
James, I'm sorry. I'd be more interested in your Dad thing
if every time I closed my eyes,
I didn't see Trish flipping me off from the grave.
Sometimes I see the ghost of Doris,
the old lady who died in my tub.
I also found a purse with her s.A.g. Card
and $14 taped behind the toilet.
Chloe, you gotta let the Trish thing go. She's dead.
Exactly.
I've been searching for her for ten years, and she's dead.
I'll never get my revenge.
It's over.
(slurping)
He was hiding but I see him now. Gay.
Oh. (clicks pen)
(slurps)
(elevator bell dings)
Hey! What are you doing here?
I thought we were going to the movies.
I texted you that I bought tickets to the early show.
That' isn't what your text said.
I-I've been speaking my texts lately.
Well, I left you a message at home, too.
Oh. I don't have access to that voicemail
'cause Chloe won't give me the code.
She won't tell me Anything she cares about.
She might just be a private person.
I mean, I was like that when we first met.
The first day we worked together,
you told me you boned down on your cousin
'cause you didn't want to go to college a virgin.
Vanessa! (laughs)
I wonder if she'll be at thanksgiving this year.
Maybe I just have to accept that Chloe will never open up to me.
Maybe I just have to let this one go.
(snoring) (Angelic music playing)
(whoosh)
Charo?
Si.
What's happening?
Am I dead?
No, you are dreaming.
Welcome to your dreams!
(exhales) What are you doing here?
I'm here for you.
If you have anxiety, questions, you talk to Charo.
I'm your teacher-Mother-Father-Mentor.
♪♪♪
Most people don't get a second chance.
Second chance at what?
♪ Oh! ♪
("Hot in Here" playing)
(man, amplified voice) Let's crank it up!
♪ With a little bit a... ♪ (door slams)
♪ with a little bit a... ♪ ♪ uh, uh ♪
♪ and a little bit a... ♪ ♪ uh, uh ♪
bu this show got canceled.
Not in your dreams, slut.
♪ All right ♪
Luther? What are you doing here?
I'm here because you want me here.
Same goes for everyone you see.
We are in your dream because you want us to be.
Ooh!
Ow! Ow! Ow! (snapping fingers)
♪ Penthouse, rooftop, birds I'm feedin' ♪
(gasps) ♪ Nothin' up my sleevin' ♪
Trish.
♪ I need you to get up up on the dance floor ♪
♪ give that man what-- ♪
Second chance!
This is my chance at getting revenge on Trish!
She tried to die on me, but I found her.
And now I'm gonna get up there
and I'm gonna blow her drums out.
Only you know why you are here.
(playing "Malagueña")
But of course. I'm Charo!
I need to get away
from this garden basement trash on level one.
I need to flirt with a cameraman.
(dance music playing)
We gettin' our swerve on? Get outta here!
So this is "The Crank," huh?
I don't know what my mom was so afraid of.
What about you, Chloe? What were you afraid of?
Like when you were a kid and stuff.
Why don't you shoot me an e-Mail?
I'm actually in a meeting right now.
Hey, black hair.
You look good on camera. They want you up on level two.
(blows kiss)
did you have fun paying six months of my phone bill?
Did you have fun giving the clap
to the entire backroom staff of the New York rangers?
♪♪♪
To get to level three, I need to invent a dance.
Have you invented a lot of things?
I want to invent a line of hair extensions called
"Beweave it or not."
How did you get up here?
Mm. It's your dream. You obviously want me here.
I don't want her here, Charo!
Or do you?
What does that mean?
♪♪♪
James?
What are you doing here?
I'm looking for my real father.
He's here somewhere, I know it.
(luthers) Not enough, Jackson.
(giggling)
I don't have time for this. I need to get to level three.
I need to invent a dance.
♪♪♪
We can go up. You're with me.
Celebrities get preferential treatment,
even in dreams.
Oh.
(luthers) is this right, Chloe?
(laughs)
Lord, have mercy.
Up yours, luthers!
♪♪♪
I'm right behind you, Trish.
I can smell your menthol cigarettes from here.
I quit smoking.
Dying from LUNG cancer isn't the same as quitting, honey.
My dad must be on the top level because he's the best.
How do I get up there?
There are no bouncers for me to celebrify.
The only way to get to the host level is to throw attitude.
You have to act like you don't care but want it
at the same time.
That is not accurate.
We've made it more challenging to get up to the final level.
Chloe, you and June will be competing
in a "How well do you know your roommate?" Game?
Please welcome our judges--
Eli, Heather from the gym, and old dead Doris!
(coughs)
They will decide if you get to move up to the host level
based on how well you know each other.
And you both must answer correctly
or your journey stops here.
Let's begin.
Who was your roommate's first kiss?
June, I'm afraid "No idea!" is incorrect.
Second question--
What was the name of your roommate's first pet?
June--Ag, terrible!
Terrible, June!
And now our final question--
If your roommate was an ice cream,
what kind of ice cream would she be?
She's trying to stop me from getting to the top,
the same way that Trish did!
Is this True? Yes!
She sucks at this game.
She doesn't know anything about me.
And why is that? Because I don't tell her anything.
And why is that? Because...
(sighs deeply) Because I don't trust her.
(speaking spanish)
Charo! ÿQue? ÿQue? ÿQue? ÿQue? ÿQue?
I know you speak five languages,
but we speak English in my dreams.
Why don't you trust yune?
I don't know. I guess ever since Trish burned me, I--
yune is not Trish.
You can trust me, Chloe.
This will get us to the top level.
You need to go up there.
Your father's up there.
Are you sure?
It's my dream.
(clank)
What about Trish?
Isn't that the point of your dream?
No. It's not.
Come on, let's go see if Charo is still in the white room.
You should hear her say "June." It's hilarious.
Yune.
♪♪♪
(boom)
You've come so far. Now you're just gonna walk away?
Hey, June, what's worse than a foot ho?
A dead foot ho?
You know it.
(Luther) What the hell?!
My dad is macgyver?
Hello, son.
Or should I say,
hello, James Van Der Dean Anderson?
Hey, dad...
do you wanna diffuse this bomb with me?
(rapid beeping)
(gasps)
Whoa.
I just had the strangest dream.
You were there,
and you were there,
and you...
need to move so I can see Eli,
because, Eli, you were there, too.
I know it sounds crazy, but trust me.
I saw it in my dream.
Richard Dean Anderson is your father.
You need to go find him.
I knew it!
(door closes)
32-24-24.
What's that? Her measurements.
Our voicemail password.
Because you're not Trish, and I can trust you.
(gasps)
I can't believe it.
You're letting me in.
Chloe, thank you for trusting me...
with you.
Instant regret.
Oh. (door slams)
and these two are dead,
And you can't really tell, but that one's actually hindi,
so that just leaves you... Dad.
Look, I've never done summer stock.
The summer of '77,
I was playing Dr. Jeff Webber on "General Hospital."
But look at our foreheads.
I think you should leave.
(doorknob rattles)
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